Rules for Being Captain Jack Sparrow
by Runt Thunderbelch
Summary: Face it mate, we all want to be Captain Jack Sparrow.  Here's some simple rules to live by.
1. Rules 1 to 10

Rules for Being

Captain Jack Sparrow

1) Your vocabulary must contain two critical words. You must call all women "luv;" you must call all men "mate." Savvy? Darn! Okay, your vocabulary must contain three critical words.

2) Drink rum.

3) Any six-year-old knows the difference between a ship and a boat. You don't.

4) When faced with overwhelming odds, run away. When faced with underwhelming odds, run away. Practice your lizard running: wave your arms crazily in front of you when you're running away.

5) When in a tight situation, figure out what any sane man would do to get out of it and then do the opposite.

6) Beautiful women must be trifled with.

7) Cheat at cards. Cheat at dice. Cheat at love. Cheat in duels to the death.

8) When in doubt, panic. When you're sure of yourself, panic anyway.

9) Anything of value is worth stealing. If something has no value, steal it just to keep in practice.

10) The name is CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow.


	2. Rules 11 to 20

11) Personal hygiene is a nuisance.

12) If your ship sinks, mutinies or is stolen, steal another.

13) It's easy to confuse British soldiers; tell them the truth.

14) When cornered, grab a rope and swing helplessly through the air. A man with a musket cannot hit anyone who is swinging helplessly through the air.

15) Surround yourself with trusted friends. It's easy to trick them into getting between you and the people who are trying to kill you.

16) Mascara is masculine. Swinging your hips and hands when you walk is very masculine.

17) Bump into things, fall into open graves, trip, fall off of things, stab yourself.

18) A pair of pistols beats a royal flush.

19) Your best friend is a voodoo witch who lives alone in a swamp. Bring her presents, such as undead monkeys.

20) The jail cell hasn't been built that can hold Captain Jack Sparrow . . . except maybe the one you're in now.


	3. Rules 21 to 30

21) Learn to roll with the punches, especially when addressing a strumpet in the streets of Tortuga.

22) Idle hands are the devil's playground. Keep your hands idle as much as possible.

23) Act like a gentleman. Say "please" and "thank you." Allow other gentlemen to proceed you whenever danger might be lurking. Open ladies' blouses for them.

24) If at first you don't succeed, try, try um try trytrytrytrytrytry er trytrytrytrytrytry grr trytrytrytrytrytry again (and fail).

25) If captured by cannibals, teach them the health benefits of a vegetarian diet. If that fails, demonstrate the health benefits of long-distance running.

26) Learn to hate animals. Dogs will never bring you the keys to your jail cell. Cats won't even taunt you with the keys but will merely walk away disdainfully. Parrots will poop on you before they fly away. And don't even get me started on monkeys.

27) Rum fixes all problems. If it doesn't, that means you should drink more rum.

28) The sea monsters who are chasing you do not really want to catch and devour you. What they really want is to catch and devour your mates. Oblige them.

29) If someone offers you a free jar of dirt, take it.

30) Don't forget your hat.


	4. Rules 31 to 40

31) Never strive for competence. It's not important if you're the worst pirate people have ever heard of; what's important is that they've heard of you.

32) Dealing with governmental officials is a two-step process. First, bribe them. Second, steal back the bribe.

33) Whatever that slap across the face was for, you didn't deserve it. (Or possibly you did.)

34) Avoid gigantic, carnivorous sea monsters whenever possible.

35) Beautiful young ladies are made for kissing. Why else would they have lips? Consider what their other anatomical parts might be good for.

36) Strut.

37) Paprika adds flavor to any meal.

38) Wet gunpowder can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending upon which end of the pistol you're on.

39) When facing a hangman's noose, be of good cheer. Your mates will soon be there to rescue you (almost certainly).

40) If you are marooned in a limbo world for all eternity, do not despair. It's not the end of the world.


	5. Rules 41 to 50

41) Assure people that you're rooting for them. It makes them feel loved. This is particularly important if you can't stand the person.

42) When you have an opportunity to be a good person, wave at that opportunity as it passes by.

43) Don't feed the mermaids.

44) Bribes which are not honored are most disheartening. Bribe only trustworthy government officials.

45) The advantage to being surrounded is that, no matter which way you swing your sword, you're bound to hit and enemy. There are also obvious disadvantages.

46) When digging for buried treasure, let someone else dig.

47) Do not confuse brothels with convents. Although they may look similar from the outside, their internal operations are quite different.

48) If you're wondering whether that lovely strumpet you are kissing will someday betray you, the answer is yes . . . unless you betray her first.

49) When marooned on a desert island with naught by a pistol and a single shot, save the shot for someone more deserving.

50) Bring me that horizon.


End file.
